When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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