I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
