don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
