Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
