Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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