Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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