really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Sorry about my life...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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