When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
