Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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