I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
