Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
