Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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