my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
