seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
