the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
