Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
