Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
