No I am not eating basil off your cock
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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