You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
please come you make the beer taste better
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize