Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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