i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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