the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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