I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
