rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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