so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Randomize
