i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
