what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
