were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
if only i could text you this smell
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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