So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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