If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize