and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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