Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I AM VODKA MAN
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
