sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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