The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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