its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize