oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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