We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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