Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
