My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Im part way to drunk.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
