I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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