If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
