well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
