I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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