he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
