I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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