I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
