After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
