Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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