your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
