i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
