Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
