I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It's rum buckets o'clock
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
