Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
