How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
