Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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