Already got asked if we're dating
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I will pee on everything he values.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
