we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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