I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
