So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
