I haven't been this sober since birth.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
