Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
