The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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