Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
