The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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