For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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